Supernatural Bachelor
by Momma2Leos
Summary: Sookie has never been lucky at love, or at least she doesn't realize it. Can a stint on reality television find her true love? My Entry for the Deadpan Contest. :


**The Dead Pan Contest**

**Title: Supernatural Bachelor**

**Story/movie parodied: Reality Television Show: The Bachelor**

**PenName: Momma2Leos**

**Beta's pennames: Northwoman**

**Characters: Eric, Sookie, Pam, Amelia, and a few newbies**

**Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns the Sookie Stackhouse series. ABC owns The Bachelor**

**Summary: **Sookie has never been lucky at love, or at least she doesn't realize it. Can a stint on reality television find her true love?

**Teaser: **_Eric and the fairy were only gone about twenty minutes but it felt like hours. Brianna had an extremely happy smile on her face but no visible marks. Twenty minutes wasn't enough time for them to- Nah! Besides, if he had tasted her she would be a goner._

"_Kathleen O'Malley?" He escorted the second fairy away._

_I found myself fuming by myself beside the pool. Apparently my attitude had driven Pam and Amelia to take a walk. This was fine, I didn't need to hear about any more fantasies from Ames and my Viking. There I did it again. Eric was not my Viking._

_Kathleen and Eric were back in minutes. She was not as happy as Brianna was. She grabbed her purse and jacket and disappeared. Literally._

_Eric continued his search. He walked away with four vampire ladies before Pam, who was not a happy camper to be going with him. All four vampire women came back all smiles. Fanged whores, I thought. I clapped my hands to my mouth at my thought. What would Gran think?_

_Oh wait, Gran made whoopee in the woods behind our house with a fairy, not once but twice! Never mind, she was probably proud of me right now. This absurd thought of my Gran actually brought a smile to my face._

_After Pam's visit with Eric, she strutted back immensely happy. Surely, they hadn't… But then again, she told me they had a physical relationship once upon a time ago. I glared daggers at her upon her return._

"_Calm down, Stackhouse. We just talked. Although, I don't understand why you have your knickers in a twist. I thought you 'weren't really married' and all." She laughed at me._

_I could have slapped my vampire friend, of course she would have probably killed me, but it would be good fodder for future fantasies. Try saying that five times fast._

_Amelia was next. She and Eric had never been on a first name basis, usually just "Vampire" and "Witch" but she positively bounced out of her seat when he spoke her name. And to ice the cake, Eric leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on her cheek. She turned to goo._

_Amelia and Eric were gone longer than he and Pam had been. I was pacing at this point. I was angry and intrigued, jealous and horny. I had no right to be feeling all of this. But that suit was just asking to be thrown on the floor. Geesh, I had better calm down. I was next._

_When Amelia and Eric returned, he actually looked down at the card to see the next name. He knew damn well it was me but chose to play up the drama._

_His smile was blinding, damn he was hot._

****

I absolutely, positively could not believe that I was allowing my best friend and roommate, Amelia talk me into filling out these ridiculous papers whilst walking through Mall St. Vincent in Shreveport last month.

A large sign hung precariously over a booth adorned with little hearts and monitors. The sign read: Supernatural Bachelor- Will you get a rose?

Oh come on, give me a break. Every since the weres had come out of the closet, so to speak, Supernatural mania was creeping up on us like so much kudzu vine. Sure, there were many people who did not especially like the idea that their child's English teacher could take the form of a mountain lion, or that their golf buddy liked to howl at the moon monthly—but there would always be prudes.

But leave it to reality television to just not give a damn what the rest of the world thought. I was surprised that the network responsible for the original Bachelor show would sponsor this one, but then again I wasn't. While filling out the necessary paperwork for consideration, I noticed a disclaimer that stated that ABC was working in affiliation with affluent, vampire business man, Felipe de Castro. Of course!

"Come on Sookie! This could be so much fun." Amelia was gushing. Showy, 'you get what you see' Amelia would love this.

"Ames, aren't I technically married to Eric? Don't you think it might look a little strange that I would be on a reality television show looking for love?" I was cynical, and Eric would be pissed.

"Sookie, the odds of us getting picked for this are like one in a hundred million. And besides, you guys haven't decided if you are exclusive or not right?"

She could tell that she did not have me convinced. So she tried a new tactic.

"I really, really want to do this Sook. But I can't do it without my best friend. Please…"

Oh no she didn't just use the puppy eyes. I looked at my feet, then back up to my friend. Oh yes, she did.

"Fine, Amelia. I will do it, stop with the face." This was unnecessary because her face already held a look of sheer delight.

Moments later, seated at the food court, I found myself filling out an application for Supernatural Bachelor. The questions, as expected, were quite personal—but then again how many Supes really cared about personal privacy.

Name: Sookie Stackhouse

Marital Status: Single (Hey, I don't remember a church, a ring, or a dress.)

Age: Twenty-seven

Sexual Preference: Heterosexual (This was getting more and more interesting. Just who would a potential candidate be competing with for this Bachelor?)

The questions went on and on for three pages. I placed my signature at the end of the page and was about to walk them up to the booth when Amelia snatched them out of my hand. She ran them up to the lady at the booth knocking several people out of the way in the process.

We continued shopping without any more talk of the strange contest. Thank God, the odds were stacked against us.

All was forgotten.

I woke up late that Tuesday, as I had worked the closing shift at Merlotte's. Stumbling into the kitchen for my coffee, I attempted a smile for Amelia and went to my lifeline—the coffeepot. I noticed that Amelia could hardly contain herself. But that was her way, bushy tailed witch. She knew better than to throw a massive ball of happiness at me until after I had my morning ambition.

As I finished the last sip from my cup, I sighed out of frustration. I looked up at Amelia who was just bursting with excitement.

"Okay, Amelia. Good morning, roomie. Why are we so happy today?" I asked her. Caffeine coursing through my system, I was much happier and genuinely interested in what my friend had to say.

She was unable to speak, but she flamboyantly (word of the day) presented me with a long, red envelope. I turned it over and read the letter and read the return address:

ABC, Inc.  
500 S. Buena Vista Street  
Burbank, CA 91521-4551

Jesus Christ, Sheppard of Judea, please don't let this be what I think it is. I mustered up a smile anyway. Amelia was beaming by now and holding her own red envelope.

"Wow, Ames. Have you opened yours yet? I guess they let applicants know even if they were not chosen for the show."

"I haven't opened mine yet," she said, excitedly, "I thought we could do them at the same time."

Oh, geez. But this was making her happy. So what the hay, let's get this over with.

"On the count of three." Amelia gushed.

"One, two… three!"

We ripped the envelopes open at the same time. I had barely made it past the salutation when Amelia let out a loud scream and began jumping up and down in place.

"I'm in! I'm in. They chose me for the show. I am so excited; this is going to be so much fun."

She stopped when she looked down at me. The happiness running from her face.

"What is wrong, Sookie? Oh no, they didn't choose you? I am so sorry, sweetie."

She was genuinely concerned for my well being, that much I could pick from her mind.

"I haven't read that far yet. There was a loud scream and I became distracted." I smiled at her. As ridiculous as I thought this show was—ridiculous and addicting—I loved seeing her happy.

"Oh." Amelia sat back down, still grinning like a Cheshire cat.

I decided to have a little fun with my roommate so I purposely read it as slowly as I could. When she couldn't take it anymore, she exploded.

"Oh, for the love of God, Sookie. What does it say?" she demanded, reaching for the envelope.

I skipped down to the middle paragraph. Well, damn!

'_Miss Stackhouse, ABC and Mr. Felipe de Castro, are proud to announce that you have been chosen to participate in Supernatural Bachelor. Enclosed is a round trip plane ticket to Burbank, California; a hotel accommodations letter and instructions for taping which begins on June 1__st__. Good Luck, may all your Supernatural Dreams come true!'_

So, here I am in front of Hotel Amarano in Burbank, California. I am waiting with Amelia and twenty-three other women to fill several limousines which will take us to the mansion for our first evening at prospective Supernatural Bachelorettes.

As it turned out, the mansion chosen by ABC was not far from our hotel. Tonight was a mixer party designed to cut half of the hopefuls. Those not chosen to continue would be put up in the hotel for one more night and then flown home. Those chosen to continue would move into the mansion, where they would live and compete for the next six nights. Well, at least I got to stay in a super fancy hotel. I was a little worried about missing so much work, but Sam was generous about my taking a vacation. Maybe a little too generous.

We arrived at the mansion and were led up a massive set of stairs leading to the largest set of double doors I had ever seen. The door opened up and a short man, eerily similar to Dr. Ludwig in height and appearance, opened the door in full butler regalia. We walked into a grand foyer. The design scheme was a palette of creams and gold accents. Every piece of furniture was expensive and obviously chosen by experts. Each piece made me long for my farm house and the old, ugly afghan on the old couch.

When all of us had gathered, our attention was directed to a television screen mounted above our heads. The huge screen showed only a silhouette of a man. We all looked at each other for a moment wondering what would happen next. As I looked to the left and right I noticed that each of these women were extraordinary in their own way. There were several vampiresses, and weres, a few human women of exceptional beauty and some that I was 99% sure were at least part fairy.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I spotted Pam at the end of a long line of women. She looked utterly bored but very nicely attired in her pastel pink shell top and long, flowy white pants and heels. She recognized me and began laughing as I made my way over to her.

I waited for her to quit laughing before I spoke.

"Pam, you signed up for this? I can't believe it!" I looked at the beautiful vampire, skeptically.

"It was not by choice, my friend, I sort of pissed Eric off a few months ago. I have been awaiting my punishment. Then one evening I walk into his office and Felipe de Castro is sitting with him. The most evil grin spread across his face. I knew I was screwed then. Then last week, I get a red envelope in the mail. And the rest is history as they say. But you, what are you doing here? Does my master know you wish to find love on a reality television show?"

Talk about evil looks, hers was evil and positively delighted by the prospect of Eric discovering my presence here.

"No, he doesn't know. I don't have to tell him everything I do. We're not really married you know?" I inserted that last part indignantly.

"I signed up with Amelia last month. I never dreamed that I would actually be chosen. She's here too, ya know?"

Speak of the devil and the devil will appear.

"Pam!" Amelia came running over and hugged Pam, before kissing her on the mouth.

The attention of the other women was now firmly on the pair. One particularly made up human, looked then up and down with distaste. She was a loud broadcaster.

_You know, girls, we're here for the man. Perhaps you signed up for the wrong show. Well that is alright, more of him for us real women. _

I should have kept my mouth shut but I just couldn't. I walked over and tapped the lady on the shoulder.

"Hi. I'm Sookie that is a lovely dress you are wearing there. I was just wondering, when you filled out your application for the show, did they ask you any questions about that summer at Youth Camp where you and your very female best friend, experimented in the woods together?"

I smiled my Crazy Sookie smile back at her as she gawked at me in total shock. Now at least she knew that she was messing with more than mere humans.

"Close your mouth, dear. You might catch a fly." I told her in my sweetest voice.

Moments later, the butler asked us to all settle down and place our attention back with the monitor and the man in shadows.

His voice had been modified into a robotic tone.

"Ladies, thank you so much for coming out here to help me find my true love. We will be going to the veranda momentarily. There is food and champagne and an assortment of fine bottled bloods for you all. Some of you, sadly, must leave me tonight. But for the rest of you, our romance may just be beginning."

Several of the women were swooning. Really! I was about to gag at the overdone cliché words. The hobbit butler led us outside, to a beautiful deck overlooking a pool. There were hundreds of candles lit strategically all around the place and a large refreshment table was manned by five servers in white uniforms.

Pam, Amelia and I walked over to the table and took drinks. Amelia and I were enjoying a glass of champagne while Pam looked nearly orgasmic with her glass of Royalty Blended.

"Maybe, I should piss Eric off more often," she remarked when the glass was completely empty. We all laughed about that. We passed the next thirty minutes eavesdropping on our competition via Sookie Information Systems. The vamps of course I could not read, but I could get a little off of the weres and the humans were outrageously loud broadcasters.

_I hope he is a were. After the fiasco at last year's pack elections, I will never find a full were to mate with. But if I find him here, I won't need that ignoramus Stephan. Seriously, I know you're a werewolf but do you have to be so freaking hairy? Ever heard of waxing?_

_Oh, I just know he will love me. I mean this body was freaking expensive. Daddy was all too happy to keep chunking money into my "college fund". This is going to be amazing. _

Sex and money. Money and sex. That is all these people were thinking.

The hobbit butler came out to the deck and asked us all to move to a closer spot where 25 chairs had been arranged in a semi-circle. A large television monitor had been moved to the center of the formation.

"At this time, our esteemed bachelor would like to ask you lovely ladies a few questions before he must regretfully part ways with eighteen of you and begin his courtship of the seven lovely ladies who will accompany him on his journey to true love."

The robotic voice once again boomed. We were numbered 1-25, Pam was number 13, Amelia was number 14 and I was number 15. Let the games begin.

"Bachelorette number one, what is the most important thing that you would consider when choosing a mate?"

"Oh, that is easy. I want to find a partner who is interested in changing politics for the fair inclusion of all species. And of course, I want a man that I can start a family with." She answered that last little bit in almost a whisper.

"You sound beautiful, and very intelligent. But I regret to inform you that I cannot give you the family that you desire, as I am vampire. I am truly sorry. I can however, promise that if you are chosen in the end, we could work as a magnificent team for Supernatural rights."

Bachelorette Number One, never said another word but stood to her feet and walked away. She was followed by three other women. I could hear a loud conversation on the way out lamenting the fact that they would not be able to have families with him. Seems they were looking for Trista and Ryan love.

The hobbit picked up a telephone on a small table by the television and told the bachelor that he was now down to 21 women and informing him as to who was left.

"This will take all evening if we continue one question at a time," the robotic, television voice told us. "Therefore, allow me to list some things about myself and perhaps we can thin the herd that way.

I appreciate a woman that is not afraid to stand up for herself. I would always protect my true love but I do not want a wilting flower that just wants a big, bad vampire to dote on them. So if you are looking for a security guard, I am not it.

I have lived a very long time and in order to survive I have had to learn to adapt to my surroundings and cultures. I have learned how to take care of my business. And as such, my business will always be a factor in my life. Any woman who is with me will have to understand that she cannot always come in number one."

At this point eight more women had gotten up and quietly walked away. Apparently, they were looking for love sick vampire body guards. Ha!

"I thoroughly enjoy sex with my chosen partner. I am quite skilled in the bedroom, but I am no freak if you understand. I do not sleep with random fangbangers, nor am I attracted to those who feel the need to conform to the "vampire stereotype" of gothic women with weird sexual tastes."

This effectively removed three more women. And now there were only ten left. The minute butler once more picked up the phone and informed the bachelor how many women were left. There were seven women not including Pam, Amelia and myself.

Among the women five were vampires, three(me, Amelia and another girl) were human, and the two fairy women. I noticed now that perhaps they were more fairy than I had previously thought, as they had the long pointed ears of the fairy race. They were devastatingly beautiful and apparently quite stupid. Didn't he just say he was a vampire? Hello, ladies. Should they just serve you guys up on a silver platter? Fairies were like caviar to vampires, yep, they were nuts.

"I understand that I have ten women left to meet. This is wonderful, I will be out momentarily to meet you all."

The television turned off and a crew member came to roll it out of the way. I noticed that while the mystery man had been speaking that all of the empty chairs had been removed. These ABC guys were quite efficient.

"I wonder if he will be hot," Amelia asked to whoever would listen in a dreamy voice.

"Of course, he will be extraordinarily attractive. He is vampire and there are very rarely ugly vampires. Of course, he did feel the need to come on reality television to attract a mate. Perhaps he will be one of the rare few ugly vampires. That is fine, I have had my royalty, I have gone to rest in a majestic hotel and when I return to Louisiana, my punishment with Eric will have been met. No worries."

I rolled my eyes at them both, and then turned my attention to the crew who were setting up for the big reveal. Several young men had rolled out an actual red carpet that extended to just feet from where we all sat. They then placed a table at the end of the carpet that contained six, blood-red roses. Two rows of men, dressed in renaissance attire with horns flanked each side of carpet and there was a screen placed at the front.

The players began to play as the shadow of a very tall man occupied the screen. I could feel him even before the screen was raised.

Eric Northman sauntered down the red carpet and stopped directly in front of us, winking at me in the process. (Well, at least I think it was me.)

Oh. My. . Eric was the bachelor. There he stood in all his magnificent glory. He wore a tailored Armani suit that hung from every sex dripping inch of him beautifully. His long, golden hair was arranged in that intricate braid he had worn in Jackson. He was an Adonis. Nope, Adonis wished he looked this good. I could feel that pull just below my belly button that I always experienced when I saw Eric. With all the vampires surrounding me, it was pleasingly quiet. All except for Amelia.

_Okay, Broadway. Yes, he is delicious, but he is Sookie's isn't he? Oh hell, she doesn't act like she wants him. I wonder if she would hate me if I got a piece of that. Shit! She can hear me. Maybe she isn't listening. Nope, she just looked at me, she's listening. Sorry Sook. But seriously, I would so hit that given a chance._

That Amelia. I couldn't deny the jealousy that rolled over me. Eric was mine, and none of these other bitches could have any. Wait a minute. He was not mine. That was not fair. This was after all a competition.

Alright, Pam and Amelia were okay. But these other bitches were going down.

Stop it, Stackhouse.

"Good evening, ladies. I am Eric Northman, sheriff of Area Five in Shreveport, Louisiana under the rule of King Felipe de Castro of Nevada, Louisiana and Arkansas. I am honored that you have remained in hopes of winning my heart. There are ten beautiful women here, but the producers tell me I may only keep six of you here with me. This saddens me. Therefore, in the interest of being fair; I wish to speak to you one at a time. At the end of the evening, I will make my decision."

The butler handed him a card with our names on it. He looked it over and then looked up.

"Brianna Connolley, will you join me please?"

The first fairy took his proffered arm and they walked away. I couldn't help but notice the immediate glazed over look on his face. I certainly hope he ate before he came down here.

Of all the things to happen. This was done deliberately. Did Pam know about this? Did Eric? For how long?

"Pam, did you know this was going to be Eric?" I demanded of the startled looking vampire.

"Sookie, of course I didn't know it was Eric. How he kept this a secret I don't know. I could happily stake him right now." And she meant it.

"Amelia, did you have anything to do with this?" But Amelia wasn't listening to me. She was creating a very graphic scene in which she and a very naked Eric had torrid sex in a field in the middle of the night. If she knew anything, I wasn't finding it out right now.

Eric and the fairy were only gone about twenty minutes but it felt like hours. Brianna had an extremely happy smile on her face but no visible marks. Twenty minutes wasn't enough time for them to- Nah! Besides, if he had tasted her she would be a goner.

"Kathleen O'Malley?" He escorted the second fairy away.

I found myself fuming by myself beside the pool. Apparently my attitude had driven Pam and Amelia to take a walk. This was fine, I didn't need to hear about any more fantasies from Ames and my Viking. There I did it again. Eric was not _my_ Viking.

Kathleen and Eric were back in minutes. She was not as happy as Brianna was. She grabbed her purse and jacket and disappeared. Literally.

Eric continued his search. He walked away with four vampire ladies before Pam, who was not a happy camper to be going with him. All four vampire women came back all smiles. Fanged whores, I thought. I clapped my hands to my mouth at my thought. What would Gran think?

Oh wait, Gran made whoopee in the woods behind our house with a fairy, not once but twice! Never mind, she was probably proud of me right now. This absurd thought of my Gran actually brought a smile to my face.

After Pam's visit with Eric, she strutted back immensely happy. Surely, they hadn't… But then again, she told me they had a physical relationship once upon a time ago. I glared daggers at her upon her return.

"Calm down, Stackhouse. We just talked. Although, I don't understand why you have your knickers in a twist. I thought you 'weren't really married' and all." She laughed at me.

I could have slapped my vampire friend, of course she would have probably killed me, but it would be good fodder for future fantasies. Try saying that five times fast.

Amelia was next. She and Eric had never been on a first name basis, usually just "Vampire" and "Witch" but she positively bounced out of her seat when he spoke her name. And to ice the cake, Eric leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on her cheek. She turned to goo.

Amelia and Eric were gone longer than he and Pam had been. I was pacing at this point. I was angry and intrigued, jealous and horny. I had no right to be feeling all of this. But that suit was just asking to be thrown on the floor. Geesh, I had better calm down. I was next.

When Amelia and Eric returned, he actually looked down at the card to see the next name. He knew damn well it was me but chose to play up the drama.

His smile was blinding, damn he was hot.

"Miss Stackhouse, will you accompany me?" He held out his arm which I ignored as I walked ahead of him.

We reached an area where there were no cameras. There was a large loveseat arranged in the middle. Eric was a whole lot of man, a small couch just wouldn't cut it.

I walked stubbornly to the couch and was about to sit down when I flew off the ground and into a soft neighboring wall. His lips came crashing down on mine before I could protest. I could not help but to kiss him back. After he attacked my lips he moved to my neck, kissing every inch he could reach. I felt a hand push up the skirt of the burgundy tea-length dress I wore tonight. Without warning, his long, agile fingers were at my aching sex. I could not have stopped him, if I had wanted.

The only words passing between us were his.

"Oh God, Sookie. Oh this is right, this is where I want to be always."

I couldn't answer him, I saw stars and was so nearly there and then I fell off. It was magical and I really, really hope the others did not hear me as I screamed in ecstasy.

When I had recovered enough to speak, I looked over to the sofa where Eric waited for me. He rubbed inviting circles into the fabric. As I walked over, I suddenly realized that I was pissed at him. He just had to know.

"Eric, you knew! You knew about this and somehow you deliberately got me out here. How dare you do this?"

"Sookie, I assure you I did not know about this. I was ordered to do this show by Felipe de Castro. I told him that you and I were married but he insisted this was just a publicity stunt and that I would not be obligated to any of the women here. I was stunned when I felt you from behind that screen."

I wanted to call him a liar. I wanted to slap his perfect face. But I couldn't because I believed him.

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway. With this damn blood bond, I never know how I feel about you. But this really isn't fair to the others out there. The bond always betrays our feelings."

"What if I blocked the bond? Would you consider it more fair then?" he asked me, his beautiful blue eyes boring into my soul.

"You can do that! Why didn't you ever tell me you could do that? You tell me we're married," here I made the air quotes that everyone loves so dearly, "but then I can't get you to tell me important things like this?" I was angry.

"Lover, I can only block it temporarily. A bond is a bond, it is a sealing and sacred rite. But I can block it, for small time periods. I have done so before, to spare you certain things.

How about we make a small wager?" He grinned at me devilishly. Damn he was even sexy then.

"A bet? What type of bet?" I asked. Why oh why, do I allow myself to get dragged into these things with him?

"I bet that with the bond closed, that in the course of the six nights on this show, I can get you to admit that you are in love with me."

"Bond Closed? No cheating?" I hedged.

"Well, dearest, that depends on what you classify as cheating."

"I want to be treated like all the other contestants. If you do not feel like I am one of the best choices at the end of the day, you choose another woman. Understand?"

"I solemnly swear, I will not 'cheat'." He agreed.

"Fine, deal. Now I need to be getting back. The others will be jealous."

"Don't you want to know the prizes for this contest?"

"Prizes?"

"Yes. If I should win, and I will and you tell me that you love me, then you and I will marry for real, in a human ceremony. It is now legal for humans and vampires to wed in many states. One of those being California."

I couldn't breathe. Did he just propose to me? But stubborn Sookie wanted the other answer.

"And if I don't tell you I love you, and we find out the blood bond has been controlling us?"

"Then I will release you from our bond. You will be free of me, and will only have to see me when it is absolutely necessary."

I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. I didn't want that. I may not know if I loved him or not, but I knew that I could not live without my vampire. Still, I held out my hand to him to shake in agreement. Now, vampires do not shake hands. But Eric took my hand and pumped twice.

"We are agreed."

And then I couldn't feel Eric anymore.

THE FIRST CHALLENGE

At the end of the first evening there were indeed six of us remaining. Brianna, the fairy; Pam, Amelia, me, a beautiful vampire named Alexandra and another stunning vampire named Isabella.

Our first challenge was to take place shortly after sunset the next night. When I awoke in my room, I was greeted by a note placed on the table laden with exotic fruits and fresh bagels. The note read:

_Sleeping Beauties_

_Wake by day_

_Wake by night_

_You all are stunning in my sight. _

_I admire skills in a world that's grown complacent_

_So your first challenge, tonight I'd like you to demonstrate your talent. _

The note went on to say that we would be participating in a talent show. I was just a barmaid from Louisiana, what could I do? But then I knew exactly what I could do that would impress Eric, or anyone since I definitely was not here to impress Eric.

Brianna could literally spin straw into gold. No shit! We all gaped when we saw her set up an ancient spinning wheel on the small stage provided. But she sat down and began to feed common garden straw into the old wheel. The result was a perfect roll of straw. She gave the ball of gold to the producers asking that it be donated to a local women's shelter. Yeah, go for those brownie points sister.

Alexandra could sing opera. Well she was 500 years old and Italian. She was angelic. I was green with envy.

Isabella had prepared a monologue from Macbeth. Okay, maybe it was my meanness but was this really the best she could come up with?

Pam chose to demonstrate the sword skills that Eric himself had taught her no doubt. She didn't care, she wasn't here to become Eric's woman and it sure did make her look like a bad ass.

Amelia was next. She performed simple spell work for his pleasure. Capable of doing more extreme magic, I could pick from her mind that although she was having fun and Eric was lovely to look at that she just would not be trying to steal my man. We would have to talk later.

Finally, it was my turn. I walked up to the stage and nodded off to the corner. Sarah McLachlan's _Witness_ began to play on the speaker. I performed a slow and I know sexy dance for him. I might not be ready to declare my undying love, but I sure knew how to put a smile on the Viking's face and a noticeable change elsewhere on his body as well. As the last notes of the seductive song played I left the stage.

Eric took his leave and we all waited. Within ten minutes, he returned to the stage which now held five blood-red roses.

"This decision was very difficult for me, but I have made my decision for which one of must go home. Please come and receive your roses when I call you name.

Alexandra DeAngelo, Brianna Connolly, Pamela Ravenscroft ( Pam huffed all the way upstage), Amelia Broadway and Sookie Stackhouse."

Isabella was devastated. I would chide myself later, but all I could think was: One down, four to go.

THE SECOND CHALLENGE

The next morning when I awoke I was once again greeted by a large breakfast and a note.

_Your talents left me speechless_

_Which is not easy to do_

_Tonight I hope to reciprocate _

_May I spend some time with you?_

I sincerely hoped that Eric was not writing these riddles himself.

That evening we all met on the verandah, and we waited for Eric to arrive. We shared easy conversation. I discovered that Brianna actually knew Niall and had worked with him to develop the chemical that masked the scent of fairy. She had decided to live her life in the human world since an accident had occurred in her youth that had left her barren. She was very liberal and just want to find happiness.

Alexandra had travelled for years alone in Italy, singing in the streets. She was discovered by a vampire that operated many opera houses in his time. He would rent great theatres, run the opera for a few years and then take his leave before suspicion arose as to why he nor his singers ever aged. It was quite lucrative, until he was staked by a prostitute a hundred years earlier. Since then she had been on her own.

Then there was Pam, Amelia and I.

Eric arrived looking good enough to throw down and take him right there even with the cameras rolling. But that is most definitely not what a lady would do. I patiently waited my turn while the other 'girls' took their time with my m—with Eric.

He spent about a half hour with us all, asking pre-written questions about us. They were relevant. He did not know that I had always wanted to visit the Eiffel Tower or that my high school research paper was actually on the Viking culture. We had a nice chat, he was impressed by what I knew and he corrected the research I had done that was not accurate. I had fun. With Eric. With my clothes on. Wow!

We found ourselves at the rose ceremony once again. This time the table one bore three roses. That meant double elimination. Uh, oh.

"I have made conversation with five magnificent women tonight. But my time grows short to find my one true love. I must bid farewell to two of you tonight. Please come and receive your rose when I call your name.

Alexandra, Sookie and Pamela."

Brianna went up to say farewell to Eric. He told her that although she was beautiful and amazing that there was always the chance that he could slip and hurt her, what with her being like a walking candy bar in front of him. They embraced and she gracefully walked away.

When Amelia went up to say goodbye, he told her that he wished to remain friends but that previous dealings with witches had ruined him for the craft. She smiled at him and as she began to walk away, he pulled her to him and dipped her low. He laid one of his million dollar kisses on my best friend. It was long and deep. When he lifted her up, she was having a hard time breathing.

"Thanks, Witch."

"Whoa," she smiled, "you're welcome Vampire!" And my best friend left to go home.

I was glad that Amelia had enjoyed the kiss, maybe her fantasies would calm down a little and then maybe not. But he didn't have to kiss her that deeply did he?

Pam was fuming. It was no longer funny anymore. She demanded to know how long he was going to force her to stay on the show. I nearly died laughing when I saw him smile at her and then touch the tip of her nose like an infant, before walking away.

"Wow, you must have really pissed him off, Pam." I snickered at her.

"Shut up. You have no idea."

ONLY TWO ROSES REMAIN

On the third morning, I found my note.

_The powers that be have grown impatient_

_They wish to end our little game_

_There is only one more challenge_

_Before a choice must now be made_

_This evening you must show real heart_

_If of my life you wish to be a part._

My only real competition was Alexandra. Pam wanted no part of this. She knew that Eric would prolong this for as long as he could, in order to drag out her punishment.

I knew that I was in trouble. I had accepted now that my jealousy was out of control and that the bond was in no way to blame for it. I hadn't felt one emotion from Eric since the first night. Not one, and yet I desperately wanted to win this contest. I knew that he loved me, I had always known. And I knew too. I needed to tell him. But I didn't want to lose the bet, did I?

If I lost, he would marry me—legally in my world. He would truly be mine. That did not sound like a loss to me. But if I won, we would be associates at best. I was torn. I loved the big, freaking Viking. What was I going to do?

That evening we were placed in three separate cubicles. They were sound proofed. We were told that every lover we had ever had was going to pass before us and that we had to tell how we felt about them now. We would have spells placed on us that made it impossible to lie. Lie detector tests would not work on the two vampires. In my short time I had only been with four men. This shouldn't take long.

I looked up and waited. The first image to cross the screen was Bill Compton. I saw his handsome face looking back at me, the dark hair just the way it had been when he was alive. The questioner asked me:

_How do you feel about this man, in terms of a relationship?_

This was easy. I loved Bill but not in a romantic way, not anymore. He would always be a part of my life and my friend but that bridge had burned. I waited. The monitor confirmed I was telling the truth.

Bill's picture was replaced by John Quinn.

_How do you feel about this man, in terms of a relationship?_

There can never be a relationship. I am too far down the totem pole with him. He is a total Momma's Boy. We had a good thing, but I realize that I never felt for him the way I believe that one should feel for someone in a steady relationship.

Another short pause… The monitor confirmed I was speaking the truth.

Quinn, disappeared and Preston Pardloe, the "were" appeared on the screen.

_How do you feel about this man, in terms of a relationship?_

This man was hired like a prostitute by my grandfather to mate with me. Yeah, no. No relationship. Just a booty call. Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am. Not an issue! Thanks!

Confirmed. Well, duh!

Surprisingly, Sam Merlotte was next on the docket.

_How do you feel about this man, in terms of a relationship?_

I have never been with Sam. He is one of my dearest friends and I know that he has carried a torch for me, but all I will ever be to Sam is a friend. I'm not saying that Sam isn't nice to look at or that he wouldn't be boyfriend material, but he's ONLY my friend and my boss. End of discussion.

Confirmed. The test was over.

I walked to the foyer of the living room. Pam was waiting there. She proceeded to tell me that after the first thirty people on her screen were cast aside as 'friends with benefits'(well maybe she didn't term them in quite such polite language) that the program gave up.

Shortly thereafter, Alexandra entered her face streaming with bloody tears. I was glad I could not hear her thoughts. She looked distraught.

The butler directed us all outside to meet Eric. His table held one rose and a small velvet box.

"Ladies, I have made my final decision.

Alexandra, I am sorry. You are in love with another and far be it from me to come between true love. Yes, he is human. But I can tell you that I have had a human lover, for whom I cared deeply. It can be wonderful. Go to him."

She kissed him, thanked him and with vampire speed was gone.

"Oh, for fuck's sake Eric. It is not me, can I please leave? I will entertain Bubba for a month if you will just please kick me off of the show. Please!" Pam begged.

"You are dismissed Pamela." He smiled broadly at her.

It was just he and I.

"Sookie, before I give you this rose. I want to know if you have anything to say to me?"

"Eric, I do. You have been there for me so many times, you make me laugh, and you make me feel happy. This 'thing' between you and I, well it just makes it so black and white, and I think that I…"

"Sookie, I turned it off. I thought…"

"May I finish?" I didn't take kindly to being interrupted.

"Eric, I know the blood bond is not to blame for my feelings. I genuinely love you. And if you will have me, I would like to be your wife."

"Are you proposing to me?" he asked

"Yes, Eric Northman will you marry me?"

The next five minutes were a blur. The set was transformed into a grand scene with a lighted gazebo. Chairs were set up and my friends and remaining family escorted to sit. Somehow the ice blue gown I had been wearing had been removed and I now wore a stunning, diamond white strapless gown and I had a ring of white roses in my hair.

I looked up to the end of an aisle that had appeared from nowhere. This was the perfect wedding laid out before me, with the exception of the sweaty camera man standing next to me. I was handed a bouquet of wild flowers with one very suggestive pink flower in the middle.

What could I do? I walked up the aisle and became Mrs. Eric Northman.

Maybe reality television isn't so bad after all.

Viewers,

I am told that the newly married couple kept the other hotel guests up for many nights with their lovemaking. I expected no less. People have asked me why I set up this show and if I knew the outcome. Of course. I was tired of the Viking and his brooding. I have a kingdom to run here. And sometimes you have to matters into your own hands.

Thank you for watching. May all your fangy fantasies come true.

Sincerely,

Felipe de Castro


End file.
